Children's Tales

I am reminded of the story of the hen who appeals to her farm mates to help making the bread for supper. Each, aside from her own chicks, declines the invitation until the bread is made. At that point, they enthusiastically ask to enjoy the finished bread and the hen then decides they shouldn't. They didn't help in the making, why should they enjoy the product of her good works.

I identify with that story particularly when it comes to sharing my children with my extended family. Sad, but true, they are quite dysfunctional and I've had a long long road of recovery as a result. By my good fortune and the grace of God, I've been able to-for the most part-overcome much of the dysfunction and partner with my husband to raise a healthy family.

The task is, as most know, a constant work in progress. Raising a family requires that each individual remain humble, forgiving and flexible. Compromise is the center piece, responsibility the cornerstone. Not possible all of the time and every individual fumbles now and then. However, with a stated commitment to each other and love, we work collaboratively always improving the recipe to achieve a healthy family system.

If I were confident that my extended family members were pitching in, maybe introspecting and reflecting on their problems, working toward healthy change for the benefit of others as well as themselves, I think I would feel less guarded when they suggest we all get together. I've learned though. It gives me great sadness to admit that none of my siblings and neither of my parents have taken the same measures toward health. Mind you, I do grieve. The bottom line is getting together with them is not fun for me and I worry about the negative impact they each could have on my children and family as a whole.

Now take the story of Chicken Little, the poor thing. So concerned that the sky was falling, she was not aware of the ill intentions of the sly fox. Anxious and focused on something that would eventually turn out to not be the source of her demise. She spent her entire story frantic, not knowing she was about to become her predator's supper. She is saved in the end thankfully and we think she learned her lesson.

Unable to identify and acknowledge the true source of illness in my family, every visit winds up in an argument or conflict of some kind. Really! Every visit! And, the fights can get really mean and nasty. As with the story of Chicken Little, there is a some what random but misguided grab at blame, pointing fingers at each other and a scramble to be the one to survive by determined self righteousness. Reporting to members who may or may not be involved of the identified problem/source of fear to warn them, like in the story, the Fox may be hidden among the group as a caring and sympathetic listener.

Visits with these people becomes a family mess every single time. Oddly, the moral of the story is never learned.

So, I don't know. I don't want to share my children with them, with the slothful members who make no concerted effort toward family health, with the fox who lingers in the midst waiting for the misguided and trusting prey. I feel protective and worried about the negative impact. It is true that after each visit, there is a recovery period. This a period of which we process, and must reestablish family guidelines and individual boundaries to get back on track. A kind of slowing of sorts.

I Think I Can, I Think I Can, I Think I Can.....